Interview with Eva chars CH 4

Kevin Duffy: This interview is dedicated to the cameramen who've...
Kaji: Gone to Hell.
KD: Shut up, passed on, they...
Kaji: Were collateral damage.
KD: Shut the hell up, killed by a certain...
Kaji: Secret agent looking for....
KD: Desperate women, or women who drink heavily.  He committed these acts
Kaji: Of heroism.
KD: Of murder because he has a pathological hatred for anyone using a camera.
/pause
Kaji: What?  There's nothing for me to correct on that.
KD: Well, I told him I'd get revenge for what he managed to do to my fic.
Kaji: You mean double it's fans to two?
KD: **** you.  Well he told me to do my worst, and he's going to get it.
Kaji: What's the worst that can happen?

A square section of the roof falls to the ground, five lines come down.  Four women and a man rapel down the lines.
The 007 theme starts to play.

The man lands, walks to the chairs his family will be sitting in.  He pauses half way, pulls out a pistol and fires at the camera shattering the lens.

KD: NOT ****ING AGAIN!

Japanese James Bond Look Alike: What?
KD: Now I have to write another, "Your son was killed during my interview," letter!
Japanese James Bond Look Alike: I only hit the lens.  The cameramans not injured in any way.
KD: Sorry, cameraman deaths are par for the course here.  You'd be surprised to see our turnover rates.
Kaji: Who the hell are you?
Purple Haired Woman: Public Security Section 9.
Kaji: Oh ****.



          Fourth Episode: Revenge for the Cameramen!  Large-Crossover edition!

KD: Well now that Kaji's scared ****less, I'll introduce our guests to the fans.

Purple Haired Woman: All three of them?

KD: Wow, a 50% growth in my fans!
The Purple Haired Woman shakes her head.

KD: First I'll introduce the only character from Evangelion.  She is a Major in NERV, who happens to think that having her rank changed from Captain to Major is moving up the ladder.

Misato: You haven't seen how much ass purple haired women who are ranked Major kick.

KD: On that subject, the second guest is the only purple haired female Major I can think of, Major Motoko Kusanagi.

Motoko: Hello.

KD: So your a cyborg?  How did you become one? How are you related to Misato and why is Misato handcuffed.

Motoko: I was born a cyborg, I'm her mother, and she's handcuffed so she doesn't leap across the room and kill Kaji with her bare hands.

KD: Born a cyborg?  That's not possible.  Even if it was how did you give birth to Misato?

Motoko: Well, I brought my fathere to the show.  /holds up a toaster.

KD: I've seen Ghost in the Shell, I know you have a really strange sense of humor...but I can't tell if you're joking.

Motoko: I'll let you guess.

KD: So how was Misato born?

Motoko: Sex, lots and lots of sex. /smiles at the Japanese James Bond Look Alike.








KD: Ok, so, you're a member of Section 9 as well, correct Mr. Togusa?

Togusa: Yep, I work for the Japanese Government in the secret Public Security Section 9, it's a group to hunt down cyber criminals.  We might investigate you of trying to put a work of fiction on the internet designed to drive the reader mentally insane if they read all of it straight through.

KD: If it's secret why are you announcing it here?

Togusa: Three fans ring a bell?  I checked your deviantart account.

KD: Wow a 50% growth! /cough ./cough    So you're Misato's father?

Togusa: Yep, she's just like her mother.

KD: Unbelievably effective in combat yet extremely sexy?

Togusa: No, an alcaholic.

KD: That's not that nice.

Togusa: What, it's true.  Besides I drink with my entire family.

KD: I'm sure you're making Yebisu an extremely wealthy company.

Togusa: They offered us stock in the company...but we took the option of two tons of beer.

KD: You could've held the stock til the end of time...two tons of beer with your family will last half a week.

Misato: Two weeks.

KD: I rest my case.





KD: Ok, now we have ANOTHER Major.  Who just happens to drink more than any five people taken randomly off the earth...except for her family members, Seargent Major Mellissa Mao.

Melissa: Hey!

KD: I heard your sister takes after you...wait your sister...your last names Mao, hers is Katsuragi, your mothers is Kusanagi, and you're fathers is Togusa.  You're really related?

Melissa: Yep, and I don't care enough to answer.

KD: Ok, I'll drop it.  So your sister takes after you?

Melissa: Yep, I had a moody black haired japanese teenager under my command as well as an arrogant German one.

KD: You're comparing Sousuke ****ing Sagara, literally the most badass Real Robot Pilot due to the fact that his mech can destroy the other guys mech if he's MAD ENOUGH....with SHINJI!?

Melissa: Good point, but what about the German teenager.

KD: Kurz Weber...Asuka...they'd probably have sex with each other.

Melissa: You haven't been backstage have you?  They finished five minutes ago.

KD: DAMMIT!

Kurz: Hey beautiful! /hugs Melissa.

KD: Dear god, you married German Kaji.

Kurz: There's no way I'd cheat on Melissa.

Motoko: Because I can castrate you with one hand and no implement?

Kurz: Yea.

KD: Melissa just said you were having sex with Asuka.

Kurz: She freaking attacked me!  She was beating the crap out of me then she took my clothes off.  Hell Melissa was taping it and giving Asuka pointers!

Melissa: Victory!




/Kevin looks at Togusa, Kaji, and Kurz
KD: What the hell...you people all look alike.

Kurz: Us people?  US PEOPLE??? You ass!  Not every secret agent looks alike!

Togusa: That's what plastic face masks are for.

Kurz: Exactly.






KD: Ok, and finally we have Alita...Gally...umm Ms, you have two first names and no last names.

Alita:Call me Alita, for some reason while I'm in Japan I'm called Gally.  When I leave Japan even my own ID card changes to Alita.

KD: So it says you're a cyborg too?

Alita: Yep, by the way I don't drink.

KD: So you're saying your not related to them.

Alita: I'm related to the toaster.

/Kevin walks over to a nearby wall and bangs his head into it.  He walks back.

KD: So you're a martial artist, and can actually destroy large robots with your bare hands.

Alita: Yep!  I can use Panzer Kunst.  I learned it on Mars.

KD: This is Evangelion.

Alita: Ok I learned it in...forget it, I've never learned it.  /extends then retracts the Damascus Blades on her arms.




KD: Alright Kaji, anything to say to Misato and her family?

Six pairs of eyes give Togusa deathglares.

Kaji: Four words, 1) Not  2) in  3) the 4) face.

Togusa: Ok, we won't hit you in the face.

Kurz: I'm aiming for the balls.

Misato: I had dibs!






Misato's family advances on Kaji.

Suddenly two Arm Slaves crash through the wall alongside eight Barjack soldiers.

KD: You have to be ****ing kidding.

Arm Slave Pilot 1: You said I wouldn't have a chance to kill you!?  YOU THOUGHT WRONG!

KD and Kaji: RODRIGO!

Rodrigo: Kaji grab onto my arm!

Kaji: I thought you were here to kill me!

Rodrigo: You know you're the only one I love!

Kaji: HELP!  HELP!  Misato you can't let him get me!

Rodrigo: Come into my arms Kaji!

KD: This is freaking priceless!

Kaji: KD you said you wanted to kill me!  Go ahead!  PLEASE!

Misato points a gun at Kevin
Misato: Sorry I can't let you kill him!

KD: Because you love him?

Misato: No because I want Rodrigo to have his way with him, post it on the internet, and keep Kaji from ever having straight sex again.

Kaji: DAMMIT YOU WITCH!

KD: Paybacks a bitch, right Kaji?

Alita: No payback isn't, Kaji will be though!

Everyone gets a good laugh.

Kaji: Duffy I'm going to ****ing kill you!  KILL YOU ALL!  KILL YOU DEAD!!!

Motoko: That's if you're able to walk when he's done.

Kaji: **** YOU YOU ****ING **** ****ing ******, I'll **** you up the *** and rip your ***** off and ***** down your throat!

Togusa: Save it for your wedding night.

Kaji: **** you too!.  **** you all!

Kurz asks Kaji: Wedding jitters?

Kaji: In the army lots of men were fans of yours, the same reason women are fans.  Have fun with that thought!

Kurz: At least I'm not going to have to have sex with Rodrigo!

Kaji screams: ************************************************************ as he's taken away in the arms of the giant robot piloted by his forced lover.





Misato high fives Kevin.
Misato: Your worst IS pretty horrible!

KD: Nah, the worst part didn't happen yet.

Misato: Really?

KD: Wait til they get to Rodrigo's place, it's going to be a living nightmare for his butt.

Melissa: You mean like Kurz in the stories I write?

KD: You write yaoi?  /moves his hand towards his pistol.

Melissa: Nope, he is definately with women, but they're pervier than you, Kaji, Kurz, and Misato combined.

KD: Comparable only to yourself?

Melissa: Exactly.

Alita: My families insane.

KD: Could I agree more on anything else?

Alita sighs and asks: Hey Kevin do you want to get a drink?

KD: Sorry, I don't drink.

Alita: Never?

KD: Not once, sorry.

Alita: Marry me.

KD just stares.

Alita: I can't deal with assholes and drunken idiots anymore...if I see a date take a sip I just walk away thanks to them.  /points in the direction of Melissa, Misato and Motoko.

KD: There's some Indian guy dressed up like Elvis five blocks from here.  He's open 24 hours a day, let's go!

Alita and Kevin leave the studio.





Kurz: Wow, that's unexpected.

Motoko: I hacked into his computer and saw some of his other stuff he refuses to post, trust me it's not.

Togusa: So, we've got a few minutes to kill...what should we do?

Misato: Random acts of violence?

Togusa: Nah, we covered that.

Motoko: Random acts of kindness?

Three seconds of silence pass, then they all laugh hysterically for two minutes.

Motoko: Hahaha god that's a good joke.  How about gratuitous nudity?

Misato: Fanservice.

Motoko: No it's nudity, being naked means your nude, and being nude IS nudity.

Misato: In anime it's fanservice.  Trust me in anime nudity is never considered gratuitous.



Two seconds later all five of them are naked.  Togusa and Motoko are having a political discussion mixed in with computer jargon only techgeeks understand completely.  They do their best to keep a straight face during the conversation, it's made difficult due to the adult video Kurz, Melissa and Misato are shooting in front of them.




Fourth Episode: Revenge for the Cameramen!  Large-Crossover edition!:Complete!



Producer: There's no way we'll ever get this on the air.  Fine I'll read the preview.  Some anime characters are going to show up.  Something happens. Someone says something stupid and out of character.  The author acts like an ass, random violence ensues, I collect my paycheck, bury the bodies, drink myself into a stupor and then go to therapy.